You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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