I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
