I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
