When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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