Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
