yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
