someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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