Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
