I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I am midnight drunk by noon
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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