why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
