so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
