the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
