Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
