He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
