You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
