Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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