no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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