yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
