Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm both gender and math confused
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
