You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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