i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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