i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
