The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
