i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
