i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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