her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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