You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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