Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
