Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
