someone get that fucking seahorse.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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