dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
