I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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