My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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