took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
