We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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