dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
