so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
