Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
