i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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