im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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