FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
