My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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