o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
