I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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