Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
it glows. i had to have it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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