I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
