im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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