you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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