I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
