she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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