If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
