how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
